Sunday, August 24, 2008

Sleep tight...


For the past 4 years, I have been sleeping at 2am waking up at 6am in the morning, everyday (weekends included).

Nowadays, I can't even fall asleep if the clock doesn't strike two.

Even when I sleep, I keep waking up in the middle of the night. I think I have got Insomnia.

Insomnia is a symptom of a sleeping disorder characterized by persistent difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep despite the opportunity. It is typically followed by functional impairment while awake. Insomniacs have been known to complain about being unable to close their eyes or "rest their mind" for more than a few minutes at a time. Both organic and non-organic insomnia constitute a sleep disorder. (fr wikipedia)

Adding to my Sleep deprivation, insommia really isn't helping. Sometimes when people talk to me, I don't know what they are saying. I really need a break from everything. To regenerate... I really need it... I deferred my studies... Until I am ready...

Sleep deprivation is a general lack of the necessary amount of sleep.

Effects on the brain
Sleep deprivation can adversely affect brain function. A 2000 study, by the UCSD School of Medicine and the Veterans Affairs Healthcare System in San Diego, used functional magnetic resonance imaging technology to monitor activity in the brains of sleep-deprived subjects performing simple verbal learning tasks. The study showed that regions of the brain's prefrontal cortex displayed more activity in sleepier subjects. Depending on the task at hand, the brain would sometimes attempt to compensate for the adverse effects caused by lack of sleep. The temporal lobe, which is a brain region involved in language processing, was activated during verbal learning in rested subjects but not in sleep deprived subjects. The parietal lobe, not activated in rested subjects during the verbal exercise, was more active when the subjects were deprived of sleep. Although memory performance was less efficient with sleep deprivation, greater activity in the parietal region was associated with better memory.

A 2001 study at Chicago Medical Institute suggested that sleep deprivation may be linked to more serious diseases, such as heart disease and mental illnesses, such as psychosis and bipolar disorder. A 2003 Universtity of California study found that REM sleep deprivation alleviates clinical depression. Although the mechanism is unclear it is suggested that the deprivation mimics the effects of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRI) however the study also indicated that REM sleep was essential for blocking neurotransmitters and allowing the neurotransmitter receptors to "rest" and regain sensitivity which in turn leads to improved regulation of mood and increased learning ability. Non REM sleep may allow enzymes to repair brain cell damage caused by free radicals. High metabolic activity while awake damages the enzymes themselves preventing efficient repair. The study observed the first evidence of brain damage in rats as a direct result of sleep deprivation.

Animal studies suggest that sleep deprivation increases stress hormones, which may reduce new cell production in adult brains.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Palsm GQV

Jesus, I am afraid. I am afraid.

I can't go on any more.

But NO, For YOU have not given us fear, but power and love and a sound mind. Help me Lord, my wonderful savoiur. Strengthen me. I can't do it without You. Fill my heart with faith. Holy Spirit, take over me. O' God, lift me up, encourage me.

I can't, I can't. I don't want to go on. O' Jesus , please, let this cup pass from me. I can't. It is too much for me. No.... O' God, please...

Yes, I know You at Gethsemane. Strengthen me to go on. Apart from You I alone cannot do anything. I can because You are with me. Hear the cry of my heart O' Lord. Hear my cry.

Arm me with the breastplate of righteousness, the shield of faith, the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit. Come with me and I will not be afraid. Let us dash through the enemy lines. For You are with me, who can be against me? Nothing that come against me shall prosper. For greater is You who is in me than is in the world.

Jesus fill me. Anoint me. Strengthen me. I believe, I believe, I believe...

~ My Prayer

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Setback

I have promised myself I would stop blogging. But here I find myself again. It is becoming a way of escape.

What am I escaping from? The reality or myself?

Again I found myself being eaten up from the inside. My soul is degenerating. I am nothing more than a living flesh.

Everything that I was, that I am, accounts to zero now...

Why have God forsaken me? O' mighty God, are you there when I call upon your name? Do you still remember me? David says there is no where he can hide from Your presence. So why have you forsaken me? Why have you thrown me far beyond Grace? Is it true that all things work out for the best?

I was beaten and You were not there. I was abused and You did not aid me. I was accused and You did not clear my name. Do I still belong to You?

O' mighty God, I do not understand a lot of things. But still I bless the name of the Lord. Job says, empty handed I come, and empty handed I will go, still I blessed the name of my God. God, You freely gave, and You freely take away. Do you not know I am not made of steel? Flesh and blood I am... I simply don't have the strength to go on. You struck me down with Your might. I am uterly helpless in You. There is nothing I can do. I lay at Your feet asking for mercy. It will be by Your Grace that I'll be saved.

Have mercy on me O' God.. Have mercy on me... This is more than I can bear...

Friday, August 15, 2008

What is Love?

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. …" ~ 1 Corinthians 13 : 4-8 (NIV)

What is love?

Love represents a range of human emotions and experiences related to the senses of affection and sexual attraction. Love can refer to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes, ranging from generic pleasure to intense interpersonal attraction. This diversity of meanings, combined with the complexity of the feelings involved, makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, even compared to other emotional states. As abstract a concept, love refers to a strong, ineffable feeling towards another person. Even this limited conception of love, encompasses a wealth of different feelings, from the passionate desire and intimacy of romantic love to the nonsexual.

Indeed the complexity of Love is difficult to define and understand, even the wisest man ever lived says:

"There are three things that amaze me – no, four things I do not understand: how an eagle glides through the sky, how a snake slithers on a rock, how a ship navigates the ocean, how a man loves a woman." ~ Proverbs 30 : 18-19 (NLT)

The power of Love is unfathomable. I used to say: "Love is amazing... It is the fuel that keeps you going during tough times... It is the joy you look forward during good times... Love is your soul..."


Indeed, we love because we want to be love back, not many can love and want nothing back in return. Love hurts when the love we offered was rejected or turn down. It is difficult to learn to trust yet love is all about trust. Isn’t it amazing how two people from different w
alks of life spending the first 20 - 30 over years of their life apart in different conditions different culture to come together and say we want to be together. That takes a lot of trust. To me, love is learning to be vulnerable. Learning to offer yourself as you are, all the strengths and all the weaknesses. Leaving it to the mercy of the other party to accept you as who you are..

Love is giving you, your best and all you have to the one you love, on the expense of yourself so that the one you love can be happy...

Will I have a special someone to share my life with? Will I find someone who I can be with like these couples in 50 years time?

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Should I learn to ride?
















Owning a car is too much of a liability in Singapore, unless I am in the sales line. I am thinking of learning to ride a bike. I have heard many stories about riding. I am comtemplating. Should I learn to ride?

I want to get a Repsol. Should I?

Friday, August 08, 2008

At the edge

I'm a pilgrim on the edge, on the edge of my world.

What is my next move? Where is my next step?

I can see clearly what lies beneath.

We are all travellers at the fringe, at the fringe of our life.

Where can we go now?

How should we proceed?

We can't see what lies ahead...

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

I pray I have more time


I went to visit my grandmother last night. Wanted to spend time with her. Brought her shopping at Ang Mo Kio central, and I bought her a box of simple hair dye. I think she was very happy. On our way back, grandma met her friends along the way. She seems to be very proud of me. Everyone she sees, she introduced me to them telling them how happy she was that I brought her shopping and that I bought her something. It is as if I bought her gold.

I looked at her smiles and excitment as she boasted about her grandson, me. Tears filled my eyes. It makes me happy to see her happy.

We chated the whole night. She has so much to talk to me. I guessed she really missed me.

However, my heart is very burdened. I wished I have more time with her. I wished I have more money to buy her more things and bring her on a holiday. I wished she will be healthy till the day I get married, and have kids. I wished that she will see my kids grow up.

My heart is filled with this burden. I pray I have more time...

Saturday, August 02, 2008

俊翔录


人与人之间相处之道可是一门学问。

所谓相爱容易,相处难。

天有不测风云,人有旦夕祸福。

一切人生百态,由神做主。

“在耶路撒冷作王、大卫的儿子、传道者的言语。传道者说:虚空的虚空,虚空的虚空,凡事都是虚空, 人一切的劳碌,就是他在日光之下的劳碌,有甚麽益处呢?.... 我看过日光之下所发生的一切事,不料,一切都是虚空,都是捕风” ~ 傳道書 1:1-3, 14

所谓色既是空 ,空既是色:万物都是空,空也就是万物的本质。

咳... 还是让我...

楼听风雨,淡看江湖鹿...