Why do fall?

In about 10 hours after I wrote the post about Life in my previous post, Pastor Derek preached about what I wrote that very day. 10 hours apart. Talking about a word in season. Ha!

What is a Nervous Breakdown? (from nativeremedies.com)

A nervous breakdown can be described as an acute emotional or psychological collapse. It generally occurs when a person is unable to function in social roles anymore, experiencing severe depression or feelings of being out of touch with reality. This often occurs after a long period of stress which has not been adequately dealt with.

This inability to function can occur in both work and personal arenas, resulting in difficulty in fulfilling obligations. It also causes the individual to develop physical, mental and emotional symptoms. A person experiencing symptoms of a nervous breakdown may feel extreme tiredness, weakness, episodes of uncontrollable crying, confusion, disorientation and feelings of worthlessness.

There may also be a loss of self-esteem and confidence, extreme weight loss or weight gain, disrupted sleep patterns and feelings of guilt and despair. In severe cases, an inability to move, called catatonic posturing, may result.

Well, in layman's term, a nervous breakdown is about getting down to your last straw; nothing is going right in your life and you get to your breaking point; at the point of snapping; you're full of anxiety and possibly depression, have a sense of helplessness... It is a vernacular term of breaking down emotionally to the point of non-functioning.

I finally broke down last night. I was in the exam hall. Many random thoughts went flashing in my mind. All of a sudden, Blank. My mind had a black out. My brain went on a strike. There it is. A piece of blank. I sat there in the exam hall for 1 hour, staring at the question paper. Finally I gave up. Threw in the towel. I fell out of the race. I had to.

That is right.. I've failed...

Why do fall?

So that we can learn to pick ourselves up...

Life...

Life is not a bed of roses...

My life had not been as smooth sailing as it seems. The past few years, I have encountered lots of downhills; much disappointments; many letdowns; much betrayals and rejections... There were many hurdles to overcome; many undeserved treatments, accusations to endure...

I have been on an emotional roller coaster, going to places that many had not. I have crossed boundaries that defines sanity and came back. I was so psychically tired, I started hallucinating. Many times, I can't differentiate between realities. I had to choose what reality was.

It is true. "For as he thinks in his heart, so is he" ~ Proverbs 23:4 (NKJV). The battle in the mind is the fiercest fight. Physical wound does not kill a man. But scars of life can change one's thoughts. Some are good change, some not. When you learn to put them down to life experience, you travel along the learning curve of life.

Who knows what lies ahead in your life? We are just doing the best of what we can and the best of what we know how.

Life ain't pretty. But there are adorable moments. Those were the beautiful moments you wished that time just stall. Those will always be in the archives of your memory.

What is most important is to treasure each day of your life, treasure the people around you, treasure the time you have with them. Because everything you see on earth are temporary (2 Corinthians 4:18). You never know when you might just lose everything overnight.

Life is just... Unpredictable...

I am not a hero

Been helping a friend with her issues in her relationship. All this while, I thought I was helping her. Until I realised that in reality, she was actually helping me. In our conversation, my past was painfully dug out, and resurfaced.

She made me realised the difference between man and woman. She opened my mind and allow me to see things that I thought I knew. In fact, I didn't know.

Things haven't been easy I guess.

All it is left for me now is to endure, to take it. People may hate me for it. But that's the point of doing the right thing, being the outcast. It is all about making the choice that no one else can make, the right choice. Even when I know I can't endure this.

No, I am not a hero...

A war you fight alone

The battle begins as the dawn breaks. The fights were fierce and lasted till dusk. When all is asleep, the war continues. Finally I crawled into bed, with my battled self, seeking for nothing but a complete rest.

Before the sun rises again next morning, the battle had long begun.

Indeed, it was not a fight against flesh and blood. It was a fight much more. I am tired, so tired, worn out by all that had been fought. Yet I could not stop now. No, I can't. I have to keep up the good fight.

It is a war that you fight alone.

After weeks and months of internal battles, battling between flesh and thoughts, my heart died again. Everyday, I died a little, for the eternal purpose to come.

Someone asked me recently how was my walk with God. I answered "Raw". Don't know what it meant to her. But it meant exactly what it meant to me. "Raw".

You have always heard people say "Let Your Kingdom come, Your Will be done". But what exactly is His Kingdom and His Will? None of us will know. For the secret things belong to God.

How much does it take for a man to finally come to terms with his heart and his mind? Maybe, it takes a lot! Enough for him to battle and die everyday. Until he finally surrender and say "Ok, I will not struggle no more."

In my limited knowledge of God, I could not understand why the God who supposed to be good, took everything from me overnight. I did according to what He asked me to do. Maybe I was "sincerely" wrong. No matter what it was, I felt raw, unprotected, and forsaken.

I do not understand why, and I do not know what to believe in anymore. The things I fought for, the cause that I lived for, the seeds that I sowed for, all were but vanity and grasping for the wind (Ecclesiastes 1:14). What profit has a man from all his labor In which he toils under the sun? (Ecclesiastes 1:3)

I do not understand why my hopes were destroyed. My dreams were shattered. My future ahead of me was taken away from me.

It is easy to say "For every closed door there is an open window". It is easy to say "Everything works out to be the best for all who love Him". It is also easy to say "He has a plan for you, a plan of good and not of evil, a plan to prosper you".

It is all but easy to know. But not so when all is raw.

"Then Job spoke again: "If my sadness could be weighed and my troubles be put on the scales, they would be heavier than all the sands of the sea. That is why I spoke so rashly. For the Almighty has struck me down with his arrows. He has sent his poisoned arrows deep within my spirit. All God's terrors are arrayed against me. Don't I have a right to complain? Wild donkeys bray when they find no green grass, and oxen low when they have no food. People complain when there is no salt in their food. And how tasteless is the uncooked white of an egg! My appetite disappears when I look at it; I gag at the thought of eating it! "Oh, that I might have my request, that God would grant my hope. I wish he would crush me. I wish he would reach out his hand and kill me. At least I can take comfort in this: Despite the pain, I have not denied the words of the Holy One. But I do not have the strength to endure. I do not have a goal that encourages me to carry on. Do I have strength as hard as stone? Is my body made of bronze? No, I am utterly helpless, without any chance of success." ~ Job 6

It is a war that you fight alone...

Can the heart be trusted?

Time flies. It has been a year since my grandfather passed away. Today is his death anniversary, in the lunar calender. We went to pay respect. Just like 1 year ago, I fell sick again. It is the time of the year again. After lunch, I went to see a doctor and was given 2 days of MC. I KO till now.

On the surface, everyone seems fine. But I know, grandma is still hurting in the inside. I can sense it somehow. Of course, she would be. After all, they had been married for so long.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick" ~ Proverbs 13:12 (NIV). The heart is a powerful organ, it was said that the eyes are the window to the soul, the heart is the soul. Most often than not, our heart long for things in hopes and dreams. Having visions of the future. However, when hope does not seems to come to pass, the heart is crushed. And when the heart is sick, the whole being is sick. "Keep your heart with all diligence, For out of it spring the issues of life." ~ Proverbs 4:23 (NKJV)

"For as he thinks in his heart, so is he" ~ Proverbs 23:4 (NKJV). The soul or the heart has many thoughts. At least I know my heart thinks. My heart and my mind never seems to agree. One of them must be deceitful.

I often find myself at the crossroad, caught between my heart and my mind. One speaks of logical and rationale, analysing with information collected. The other is of feeling, in hope and faith. But which can I trust? One of them speaks louder than the other, and following the wrong voice can be very dangerous.

The thoughts of the heart cannot be explain.

"There are three things that amaze me – no, four things I do not understand: how an eagle glides through the sky, how a snake slithers on a rock, how a ship navigates the ocean, how a man loves a woman." ~ Proverbs 30 : 18-19 (NLT)

It has been a long time too.

"The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” ~ Jeremiah 17:9

Can the heart be trusted?

A long week

This has been one of the most stressful week of all. I have been going in late for the past few days. Big boss asked me to give her a solution for this late habit.

Well, you can say anything you want.

I have only 3 hours to sleep every night, by the time I finished school and reached home, its 12+, by the time I settle down, its 2+ in the morning. I haven't even do my assignments.

I have not been getting enough rest for so long, I am starting to hallucinate.

After 5 months of sick-free lifestyle since February, I am falling sick again.

All I can think off now is to crawl back into my bed, turn on my air-condition and hide under my very comfortable, duck-feathered quilt and hibernate for a good 3 years...

Back to the job issue. Maybe I just have to quit my job, or take a half day job scheme.

"You will feel things that will cloud your judgement. This enemy within is strong and unpredictable. Control these emotions or the fight cannot be won. The others have failed. Learn from them, but do not follow."

Out of Singapore

In a few hours time, I would be flying to Thailand.

Tired... Hope to reach there soon, go for supper. I want to sleep. A bit sea sick now, spend half the day in the sea at work..

Sea sick plus air sick.. Don't know how it will be...

This is my travel journal...

http://g-travels.blogspot.com