Life Struggles....

Hi guys, here I am... Back blogging...


Perhaps this is like my secret place...


I have been struggling for a while till now.. 


I have been looking inwards on my hurts and my "sufferings". That victim mentality keep me from experiencing life to its fullest. 


It affected my life, my relationship with people, even my career.


I guess now that my career is in jeopardy, I am in need of a desperate move.


I don't even know where to begin. I just know that I need to let go... I need to move on....

One of those days...

One of those days...

.... you just feel out of place...

Perhaps one day...

For many years, I was chasing after a lifestyle. I wanted a house, a house with a big garden. A house filled with warmth, and love. A house that potrays what was within.

I wanted a car. A car that brings me places. A car that shows my status. A car that brings me comfort.

I wanted relationship with people. With people who wanted the same things that I seek.

I wanted money. Money to do the things I desire so greatly. Money to sustain my lifestyle that I so crave.

I wanted a career. A career that takes me to places. Places that I have not ventured into. A career that motivates me. A career that gives me my worth.

I have tried for so many years to position myself from where I am, to where I want myself to be. The many disappointments and upteem failures just keep on maintaining my ego from inflating.

But you see. I never gave up. I never really ever gave up on that dream. No matter how many times, or how hard my dream was crushed. It just keeps coming back.

Perhaps one day, I may learn when to let go. Perhaps one day, I may learn the will of my life. Perhaps one day. Perhaps one day...

Incapacitated

It is a strange feeling when you feel sad. It felt as though time has stopped.

I felt incapacitated, stripped away from my rights. Perhaps that was how it was like on the cross.

There is a struggle within me. One that wants to break free, and the other who wants to submit.

Should I keep fighting? Or should I let go and succumb?

I am tired... Very very tired... Wither by the elements of life.

Perhaps it is time to say "Not my will, but yours be done..."

Story of a Bird

I tried to save a bird today. Yet like I always say, "You can bring a horse to the river, but you can't make the horse drink the water." I tried to save the bird, but the bird refused my help.

I was walking back to the office with a brunch of colleagues after lunch, talking, chatting, joking, laughing. In a distance, I saw some movement on the grass patch in front. I went over to take a closer look. It was a bird fallen off the trees, with broken legs. It couldn't stand up so it couldn't leap off the ground and fly. It was struggling so hard to fly away. But it couldn't. I wanted to pick up, bring it back and nurse it. But the poor bird is struggling in between a fence of a construction side. It fumbled into the construction side, which is out of my reach.

A few colleagues came over and see what I was doing. We stayed there for more than 15 minutes, hoping that the bird can come out of the fence so we can help it. But the bird, not knowing our kindness, went further and further away from the fence. So far that we have to say "I have tried to save you, but you didn't want our help."

After office hour, as we passed by the area on our way home, we saw the bird drown in the puddle of water within the construction area. If only it allow us to come closer.

Morale of the story? Perhaps sometimes others wanted to help you, but you take their kindness as evil and run away. They tried, but you refused their offer.

Random Thoughts

I had some rough years the last few years back. Looking back at then, I didn't know how did I manage to survive. But I did. Maybe it was God who carried me through. I am pretty glad that the rough times are over. As like after every storm, there are much to clean up. I took a long break to help me put things back into perspective. Time did help me to put my circumstances into life experiences. Looking back, I realised I grew from those.

I am generally happier these days, happier than I was the few years of my time, even though I am beginning my life from scratch again. It does get lonely at times. I did meet new people, but I rarely find those with "friend" material. It is the Chinese New Year season, and the ever-popular question about marriage is often heard nowadays. I don't think I am trying to meet anyone new or looking for anyone at this stage. I don't think I will get attach anytime soon. I just want to find my career path, look for a meaning in my life and the reason why I am here. I want to spend all my time and energy doing just that, the purpose of my life.

I realised I became more relational this year, exactly my new year resolution for 2009. I realised when I try to be excellent, I compromised feelings and became cold like a robot. But when I try not to be excellent all the time, I began to realise the world is kinder and I feel more like a person. Maybe Jerb was prophetic 6 years ago when she tell me "Excellence without Love is nothing".

Maybe all the unrealistic datelines and goals I have set for myself changed me into a task orientated monster. Maybe I need to learn how to relax.

Chaos in order

A friend of mine... Correction.. A fellow quekielities told me that he has been reading my blog and he find them rather depressing. Friend E said that she sees hope in the midst of my writings.

I do not deny or try to hide my agony. There are struggles I am facing. In fact, trapped in between. Feeling trapped is feeling helpless. Feeling that there is nothing you can do about your situation. The lost of control of a situation can cause us to panic and worry. Excessive worry leads to depression.

I know of a God who gives and takes away, who sometimes allow bad things to happen to good people to teach them how to be in control during chaos by trusting a infallible character.

You may think "That's siimple.." It is not.. Only when the rubber meets the road will true character finally show.

I was trapped. I had my story to tell. Trapped in my own mind I was. Sometimes it is difficult to see that we have choices. Sometimes we feel we are trapped by circumstances or by the previous choices that we have made that have led us to where we are now.

But we failed to see past a closed door with an open window. There is a beginning at every ending; a head at every tail; a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. There is life after death.

Life itself has its own balance. God almightly who created the heaven and earth installed the balance. The Chinese called it the "Yin" and the "Yang". The ancient Chinese understanding of how things work, how seemingly disjunct or opposing forces are interconnected and interdependent in the natural world, giving rise to each other in turn.

The balance of order for centuries of centuries kept earth rotating at its course. An order in every chaos. In the beginning of time a balance was set. Heaven and earth was created; light and darkness was separated; day and night was invented; water from water was separated.

Top 5 Wants in 2009

It seems like I have been writing the same "wants" every year. Here it goes...

No. 5 --> A PDA mobile phone, Wifi enabled and GPS function

No. 4 --> A 32" Plasma TV with a surround sound system and a Nintendo Wii

No. 3 --> A Cannon SLR camera with the different sets of lenses

No. 2 --> A Red Car for transportation (I am not ambitious, a red Renault Kangaroo, or a red Kia Picanto with 3 year of COE is suffice)

No. 1 --> A small 3 room Condominium in the East (Tampines, Bedok, Kebangan area)

Realise

I am helping a friend now to find some models.

The "doing" is not difficult.

The soft skills involved...

I realised how small I am...

There are lots of things for me to learn.

I am grateful I was given this opportunity to see the real world.

Indeed, I was too sheltered.

The world is much bigger than I thought it would be.

I guess I need more exposure...

Eat snake?

I caught a snake in my office.

Random Thoughts

Today is one of those days I wish I was not a christian. I wish I had my drinking buddies with me and we hit the bar to get a stiff drink. I certainly need one. As unchristianised as it may seem. It is my way of releasing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You began to know who your real friends are when you ask them for help. Who are the ones who pay you lip services and who are those that really care enough to help. Unfortunately, this kind of truth are not pleasant.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is sad to know how ungrateful some human can be. I thought that only animals bite the hands that feed them. Humans too. It is true that people can let you down. But biting the hands of the one who was kind to you. That is an act of ungratefulness.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

People forgets how nice you were to them. They only remember the time you hurt them. Is that reasonable?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Everyone expects everyone else to be perfect. Have they looked into the mirror?

Ranting 101

It is going to be Chinese New Year soon. Did I mention that I really hate Chinese New Year? I dislike the ever popular question "Do you have a girlfriend, when are you getting married?" Please.. I know you are concerned. But can you don't ask? It is not like I am not concerned about my future, but it is one thing desiring but another having.

Talking about marriage, a friend of mine is getting married in September. He just broke up with his ex, within a month or two, he was attached to his current fiancee. The third month into his relationship he proposed. Wow.. That was fast. I am happy for him. I think his wife-to-be suits him better than the previous one. Good job bro. Last night, I volunteered to be his emcee for his wedding, and he ask me to be his video crew and help him with his special item. We were at Mr. Bean. The message of honouring people was tinkling in my mind, so I talked to the supervisor of Mr. Bean who served us really well. Guess what? He is the brother of David Lee, an ex Singapore National Soccer Player. Anyway, Robert (the supervisor) gave us apple crumble with vanilla ice cream. But little does he know that I was thinking about apple crumble with ice cream. I felt really blessed last night. Because I had a story about apple crumble. But I'll leave it for next time.

Anyway, the topic about marriage has been in my mind lately. I am not very positive about marriage. Marriage is not really my thing. NO.. Don't get me wrong. I am not afriad of commitment or responsibility. Neither is it any bad experience I had with relationships. I guess, I am not positive about marriage because I am not really a relationship like of guy, as in, I don't have a gift in relationship. I suck at this topic. Why? You may asked.. I am just... terrible...

I have taken the past few months sorting out my life, my thoughts, my plans. I have planned my life that marriage in not in the picture. If it happens, it is a bonus, if it doesn't? Oh well.. Life goes on..

Some may ask, do you want to be like Paul, I don't want a married life? My answer is No... No I am not looking forward to be alone. Some how man are not made to be alone. I do desire the fullness of life, if God permits. I desire to go through every stages of growing up, getting into a relationship and eventually being a father of a great kid. I guess somehow, somewhere, sometime, I had lost that faith. I lost that confidence that I will be a good partner, a good husband or a good father.

I am afriad that I am not attentive enough for my girlfriend, not sensitive enough for my wife, and not caring enough as a father. Maybe it is fear that cripples my hope. Or maybe, I am just mean to be alone.

Whatever it is, I am not looking forward for a relationship. Not that I don't desire it. I just... fear it... I fear rejection, I fear I can't handle the suitation right, I fear myself.. I am afriad to mess up. NO... Nothing wrong with my self esteem. I do deserve someone... But maybe I love her so much, I think she deserve better..

Anyway I really dislike Chinese New Year....

...

Today, I walk pass a girl, she stole my breath away.

I came out of the subway (MRT), I was on my mobile.

Two girls were walking towards my direction in the midst of the crowd.

I notice a beautiful face.

I looked at her, started admiring how beautiful she was, as I was on the phone.

She probably noticed that I was looking at her, for a few seconds, we looked at each other.

Glazing into her eyes, she stole a breath out of me.

We walked pass each other.

It is funny how that moment was so real, I thought I have met her before.

It is like a deja vu.

I probably will not see her again.

But the moment I got hit hard, the feeling I probably will not forget...

Dental Visit

I finally went to the dentist after 5 years. And I did dental scaling. Dentist says for 5 years not visiting him. My teeth are considered clean. But I have to brush my teeth at the back near my tounge and floss regularly.

But boy, does it hurts. My gum feels slightly swollen now.

I can't even bite a banana without a OUCH...

But in my recollection of dental scaling, it doesn't hurt this much...

Does it suppose to hurt?

Random Thoughts

A friend, let's just named, E. E often asked me what is on my mind. My replies are often, "I don't know..", "A lot of jumbled up thoughts.." or "Things that I don't want to think about.."

Well, E thinks I have a lot to hide. But what I have said was true. Nevertheless, I appreciated E for the space I was given.

I guess that is what friends are for. That they do not need to know. But they will be there when you fall to catch you.

But sad to say people like that are hard to come by. Most people I know adopt the "quick-fix" method. They want to know.. I beg your pardon... They demand to know what you are thinking and drill you with solutions... They want to fix you.. These are people who have lost their human touch... Because we are not an object to fix.. But a person to nurture..

Ok... I shall leave that another post.. It is a whole new sermon altogether.

Well I guess I have been unhappy for sometime. And what that has weighed me down was disappointments... Disappointments in many things...

Disappointed with God, disappointed with people, disappointed with myself, and disappointed that my dreams died...

Imagine that you are pregnant with a dream, and you have carried it for 9 months and it is going to give birth. But it died before seeing the light.

The kind of pain, trauma, emotions, and grief, all mix together manifesting at the same time. It took me a long time to come to terms to that reality. And in those times, I had no one who would listen that I can talk to. Oh yes... It was hell of an emotional period. But thank God for technology. I could blog.

Ok.. I lost my train of thoughts. I forgot what was the main point about this post.. Nevermind.. Just listen to the nice music below.

Quando Quando Quando

Hope deferred maketh the heart sick. (Proverbs 13:12)

What am I waiting for? Is it worth me waiting at all? Why has God turned His deaf ears on me? all this while? Or did He shun His eyes away from me?

What about all those promises? Could this be a test of Faith?

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. (Hebrew 11:1) Yet substance is that collectively experiences of God's goodness. So how will Faith fair if experiences collected have not traces of God?

So then faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God. (Romans 10:17) So what will happen when God gave a "Rhema" of promises but the opposites of what was promised happened? And when things starts going downhill and He kept His silence ever since? All that left me wondering what had happened, wondering if God is real still, wondering if what I have heard was real.

I can imagine how Joseph must have felt when he recieved a vision of himself being the head of his house, then got betrayed by his own brothers, sold as salves, accused of adultery, and finally thrown into the dungeon, condemn and forgotten for 40 years. And Abraham, who at 80 recieved a promise to be the Father of all the nations, childless for the next 40 years. And Noah warned of a great big storm, asked to built a ridiculously huge ark and ridiculed for the rainless 40 years. What about the redemmer, Mosses, the saviour of Isreal, who killed 2 men, the murder hid in the wilderness for 40 years.

All these men of Faith tested for their strength of endurance and perservance. I hope my drought will not be 40 years. It is too long a wait. Will I be able to be that strong? Will I withstand the wiltering of time? I am not that strong, I must admit.

But my God who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus. (Ephesians 3:20 & Philippians 4:19)

My God, where art thee?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Back from Kuala Lumpur

Here I am on the train writing. First time on the train though.

This few days in KL were a fruitful one. Gave me a different experience. The things that I have seen, the things that I have observed, the things that I have encountered. I guessed something has changed within me. I have seen a different side of humanity.

The cold, self centred, inward-looking perception of people have changed. The love, warmth and kindness that the KL-ians have shown were something that even Singapore's churches do not have.

I guess maybe Singaporeans are too caught up in their rat race. Their survival instinct out-weighs the human touch and everything else.

People here in KL, well, at least people here in KL that I have met, greets each other with welcoming hugs. Invites one another to their houses to spend quality time with each other.

Those with vehicles also go out of their way to pick up or drop off their friend's or their friend's friends, to whom the driver may not have know, as cab in KL is really expensive. The kind of second mile approach, I was truly impressed. This is something that people in Singapore whom I know, or most people in Singapore do not offer. The most amazing thing was, the KL-ians were not even Christians.

I guessed living in Singapore, a highly competitive world, the pace of life had caused everyone losing their human touch. Ironically, I felt much more at home in KL than back home in Singapore, even in my own church.

My friend, Shern, asked me to consider moving to and settle down in KL for a career in the Arts scene. Introduced me to some local directors, stages actors and script writers. Mingling with those dramatic people really made me feel at home once again.

I really enjoyed myself and appreciate the people that I have acquainted to. I probably will go down KL again the near future.

Time to sleep, a 7 hour ride home...

Out of Singapore

In a few hours time, I would be taking a train up to Kuala Lumpur.

First time I am taking a train. Wonder how it would be like. Pretty excited.. I hope I will get a ticket. It is public holiday season...

This is my travel journal...

http://g-travels.blogspot.com

Furrie - My hamster

June 2008 to October 2008

Furrie my hamster,

I never had the chance to play with you after you bore 4 kids.

You have 4 beautiful offsprings.

You will be greatly missed...

That's how winning is done

It had been a rough 2 years.

Finally, I am beaten to the ground.

No.. I shall not stay that way.

Rocky Balboa said:

"The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! "

I may have lost the first round. But there are still round 2, and round 3. My face is all swollen, bruised and beaten up. I can hardly catch my breathe. At the corner of he ring I look at my opponent. Coach yelling the way, blood being wipe off... Pespiration continued to drenched my beaten body.

I pick up my cross and put it on my lips. "I need to win this." I whispered. "I need to win this... I can win this..."

"Ding Ding" the bell rang... Round 2...