Marry Me

How to be a better life partner?

I asked someone, "How can I to put myself in a better position for a relationship? What kind of man are ladies looking for? What are the criterias of a good life partner? And how can I (or men) improve themselves to be a better partner?"

I think I met most of those she described. Why am I still single? .... Oh well...

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Okay -

Somebody that is caring, considerate, sensitive to your needs..but maintains their own mind and independance. Somebody that doesn't agree with everything I say just for an easy life.

A strong mind.

Passion - a very important one. I want a man who knows what he cares about and will fight for it. I do not want a man who has no ambition, this is not related to money at all..but I want somebody that wakes up every day and represents what he believes in.

Somebody fun, that doesn't take life too seriously.

Someone HYGIENIC. Very important, someone who takes pride and smells good.

Somebody compassionate who cares about the world and what's going on in it.

Somebody attentive..

Somebody who does the little things. I don't want big grand gestures. If I happen to make a casual comment about something and then he actions it, that will get serious cool points with me.

Somebody who allows me to trust them easily..I do not want or need a man to be by my side all the time..but somebody who shows me he is proud to be with me.

Someone who cares about their family.

Someone intelligent, I do not want somebody with the brain of a toilet brush. I want intellect and exciting conversation.

...Shall I go on?

The thing is my friend, I am completely open minded to the fact I may fall in love with somebody that bears none of these qualities.

Cherish the Moment

Someone once said to me, "In life, you will meet three types of girl."

I asked him "Which 3 will I meet?"

He said "The first girl you will meet is someone who loved you the most. She will teach you how to loved.

The second girl you will meet is someone who you loved the most. She will teach you how to cherish.

Then the third girl you will meet is someone who neither love you the most, nor you love the most.

But because of the first two you have met. You will marry her and live happily ever after."

I laughed at him, saying "Why can't I have someone who I love the most who also love me back the most?"

He smiled and walked away.

Today, I have already met she whom taught me how to love and she who taught me to cherish. Will I meet she who will walk till eternity with me?

What is Love? (The Poem)

Rewrote from E's poem...

I have loved with passion and obsession

Someone whom I can’t live without

I didn’t start with her, neither will I end with?

I had fallen head over heels

Love like crazy and whom love me back the same way

Did I find her? Forget your head and forget your heart.

I’m not hearing to any.

I have ran the risk, got hurt, and came back.

The truth is there is no sense living your life without this

To make the journey and fall deeply in love
Well, you haven’t lived a life at all, if you have not to try

I have tried, but I haven’t lived.

Proximity is not Intimacy (Part 2)

I went to visit my grandmother last night. I haven't been visiting her since... Since a long time... The surrounding was familiar. I grew up there you see. Many memories came back, both good and bad. I am happy to see grandma is doing well now. She looks good, and happy and all. My baby cousin was there, he is 9. He insisted that I go to his house after dinner. And so I did. I played X-Box with him. He was the one doing the playing really, while I just sit around. Some thoughts came to me, I was kind of thinking when will I have my own place. I will make it cosy, loving and warm... Oh well... Back to reality...

I stayed over at grandma's last night. By the time I woke up in the morning, it is time to go to work. I was pretty reluctant to go work actually. In fact, I was so tempted to take the day off to spend some quality with grandma. I love her so much. When you love someone, there will never be enough time to spend with them. I am at work right now, and I wish I was back there with her.

I guess of all The Five Love Languages, my primary is Quality Time.

Quality time is more than mere proximity. It’s about focusing all your energy on your mate. A husband watching sports while talking to his wife is NOT quality time. Unless all of your attention is focused on your mate, even an intimate dinner for two can come and go without a minute of quality time being shared.

Quality conversation is very important in a healthy relationship. It involves sharing experiences, thoughts, feelings and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context. A good mate will not only listen, but offer advice and respond to assure their mate they are truly listening. Many mates don’t expect you to solve their problems. They need a sympathetic listener.

An important aspect of quality conversation is self-revelation. In order for you to communicate with your mate, you must also be in tune with your inner emotions. It is only when you understand your emotions and inner feelings will you then be able to share quality conversation, and quality time with your mate.

Quality activities are a very important part of quality time. Many mates feel most loved when they spend physical time together, doing activities that they love to do. Spending time together will bring a couple closer, and, in the years to come, will fill up a memory bank that you can reminisce about in the future.Whether it’s sitting on the couch and having a brief conversation or playing together in a tennis league, quality time is a love language that is shared by many. Setting aside focused time with your mate will ensure a happy marriage.

As I grew older, my pie of time gets divided by a greater factor and my personal share gets thinner. I do not have a lot of time for myself, or for people that I treasure. I cherish every moment I spent with them. I wish that those time would freeze. But rather, those time flies really fast. I want to make the most out of those time. But that can only happen when the other party is willing. And the coldest truth is, not everyone is willing to spend time with you. Just like my time is divided by the many factors of responsibilities I took up, their time gets divided as well.

So I really pray that God will hear my cry and answer my prayers, to prepare for me a partner who is willing to make time for me the way I would make time for her, the way we make time for God. The last thing I want is to marry someone who is too busy for me or the family.

That is right. My pirioties are people, and relationships.

In 2004, when I dropped out of SOT. God spoke to me in the following verse:

"As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!" "Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." ~ Luke 10: 38-42 (NIV)

We have all heard this message preached to us a millions times. Let me just give you a brief summary. At the beginning of Luke 10, Jesus appointed 72 workers to go into every town to preach the gospel, heal the sick, and cast out demons. He was telling them "The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field. Go! I am sending you out like lambs among wolves." in verse 2 and 3. So Jesus is talking about Work, and Ministry. Note this two words, you will hear them very frequently later on. So the beginning of Luke, Jesus was telling the diciples to go do His work, go labour for the gospel and work hard. Cast out demons, heal the sick and preach the gospel. And that is IMPORTANT!

And it comes to verse 20, Jesus says "However, do not rejoice that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven." And Jesus continues saying in verse 21 to 24 saying: "I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children. Yes, Father, for this was your good pleasure. "All things have been committed to me by my Father. No one knows who the Son is except the Father, and no one knows who the Father is except the Son and those to whom the Son chooses to reveal him." Then he turned to his disciples and said privately, "Blessed are the eyes that see what you see. For I tell you that many prophets and kings wanted to see what you see but did not see it, and to hear what you hear but did not hear it."

The story continues with a Pharisee:

"On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. "Teacher," he asked, "what must I do to inherit eternal life?" "What is written in the Law?" he replied. "How do you read it?" He answered: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" "You have answered correctly," Jesus replied. "Do this and you will live." But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, "And who is my neighbor?" ~ Luke 10 : 25-29

And Jesus reply with the story of a Good Samaritan. And the next verse after the Good Samaritan was talking about Martha and Mary. With Jesus saying "Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."

What did Mary do? Mary chose to sit at the Jesus' feet listening to what He say.

So why is that a better choice? Remember at verse 25 a Pharisee ask Jesus how to inherit eternal life, Jesus answered in verse 27: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"

Mary chose to make time and spend quality time with Jesus. Most messages ends here teaching you about spending time with God... But in 2004, God spoke to me about the next part. Remember the bible can be summarised into the ten commandants and further summarised into two: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"

The second part 'Love your neighbor as yourself.', people matters. So God opened my eyes in 2004, telling me how important people are. That renewed my mind and altered my perspective. I had a Paradigm Shift and changed my Priorities in life.

I "awaken" in a revelation that after God, people around me matters most. It is not my work, nor my studies, nor my ministries. People matters.

Am I saying that work and studies and ministries are not important? CERTAINLY NOT! Like I said, Luke 10 started off with Jesus telling the people to work and serve and preach the gospel. It is important! But Luke 10 ends off saying "Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."

Surely I am not saying this to put down practical and active do-ers. Or to glorify those who forget all about waiting duties, if some-one or some-thing manages to engage their total interest. NO! CERTAINLY NOT!

But what I am saying is the people around you, the relationships that God entrusted you with are like talents. If you are going to ignore it. It will not flourish. And people don't live forever on Earth, even though they will be in heaven. But not on Earth!

My Priorities are God, people and my relationships with them, career, then ministry. Let's put it this way, the people around you, your spouses and family members are your first ministry! Then your career in the marketplace, then your church ministry.

So are your priorities right my friend? I know mine is...

Living close together is not having an intimate relationship!

Proximity is not Intimacy!

Love Isn't Blind

How to form an enduring bond. Healthy relationships are built on love and trust, commitment and intimacy. ( By: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20050517-000001.html )

Of all the decisions you make in your life, few are as important as who you choose to marry or live with. Make a bad choice and you can spend your days and nights mired in unhappiness or consumed by anxiety or depression, conditions that not only rob your mental health but undermine your physical health as well. You might be consigned to economic instability or subjected to physical or verbal abuse. Or you might find yourself struggling as a single parent. The consequences of a poor choice, and of marital dissatisfaction or even disruption, are far-reaching, extending even to the next generation.

So do yourself a big favor and make sure you choose a mate wisely. Yes, you need some basic relationship skills like communication, problem solving and conflict resolution. But you also need a partner who's willing to engage in all of them with you and create what most of us want more than anything—a sense of closeness to someone else. There is, ladies and gentlemen, a science of mate selection, as it's known in the psych biz. Relationships are not mysterious entities that enter your life through a magical flash of lightning sometimes called "chemistry." That, folks, has nothing to do with the ability to form an enduring bond.

Love isn't blind at all. Healthy relationships are in fact built on love, trust, commitment, intimacy and attachment.

Step One: You meet someone you like—and, importantly, someone who demonstrates unquestionably that feelings are mutual. Then what you need to do, contends psychologist John Van Epp, is to pace the growing closeness so that you have the opportunity to explore the attitudes and behaviors that foretell the future. Time is an important factor in this.

As you grow to know someone, says Van Epp, you determine what you can and can't trust. You also rely on him/her to meet certain needs. As time goes by, you develop some level of commitment. And finally, in a romantic relationship, there is sexual chemistry which prompts touch.

These are the five bonding forces that form the glue of your relationship, he stresses. And here's the catch—they must grow together in a balanced way. You must keep your heart and your head in harmony. So you never let one of the five forces too far ahead of your progress in any of the others.

• Know
• Trust
• Rely
• Commit
• Touch

In other words, says Van Epp, there's a safe zone you need to stay within as your relationship grows. And the basic rule for staying in the safe zone is, never let the level of one bonding dynamic exceed the level of the previous one.

Therefore, never go farther in sexual touch than the level of your commitment, and do not form a commitment beyond the way the other person has proven reliable. And do not look to your partner to meet your needs beyond your tested trust in him/her. And do not trust someone more than what you know about them.

If you step out of the safe zone, Van Epp finds, you will overlook and minimize problems in the person for the sake of love. Did you get that? If you confer trust before you know someone, or get sexually involved before you fully know someone or before the level of commitment warrants it, then you're going to be minimizing problems with your partner, compromising your judgment and setting the stage for perpetual disappointment. Too late will you find out that your partner is a jerk.

A relationship begins with knowing someone, and the state of what you know controls the other dynamics. Your knowledge of someone grows with mutual self-disclosure and diverse experiences together, shared together over time. It's important to see the way your partner functions in a variety of settings—with friends, with family, with bosses and coworkers, with strangers, with children.

There are five crucial areas to deeply explore and come to know during the dating process:

• Family background and childhood dynamics
• Attitudes and actions of the conscience and maturity
• The scope of your compatibility potential
• The examples of other relationship patterns
• Strength of relationship skills.

These are the areas that best predict what a person will be like as a spouse and parent. Using this approach, Van Epp insists, you can follow your heart without losing your mind.

The biggest mistakes you can make in an argument

(Link: One of the biggest mistakes you can make in an argument. (4:31) - John Townsend )

Don’t make this mistake, it is the greatest mistake not to make.

When emotions are high, DON’T drive a point. When emotions are high, it is not a time to drive a point. When some body is really mad, or really rigid, and kind of not listening, or some body is really sad, or scare or feel unloved. What is their Capacity to hear your point? It is mostly negative. Because what they are hearing is their own experience and it is much louder than the point you have to make.

There are some couples, the person would just drive the point across when the person is upset thinking this makes it. But what they have done, is they have taken the truth and they make it into a spear. A lot of times the other can hear it but they cannot hear the love that must be there for that. It is just useless.

Sometimes you might think that the issue is this, but you find them talking about something else.

So a rule of thumb is to follow the feelings, because that is where the problem will be. The origin of the feelings may be something need to be heal, or something need to be clarified, or something need to be confessed, or something need to be owned, or loved, or forgiven.

So the same principle applies true when you are trying to fight fair. When the feelings are hitting, it could be time to follow that threat, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings there. Or obviously you are really mad at me right now. Can we talk about that? And some times if you have a process relationship where you can process you just follow it and resolve it and get back on track. Some times you don’t have a process relationship, where the person just refuses to process then you jus go "look, can we take a time out? I don’t want to make things worse." But you are saying I am going to get back on this again. There is a high value to be persistence to say when we are both calm down, I don’t intend to hurt you, maybe we need to take a break, but we are coming back to this.

Just because some body is upset or angry, doesn’t mean the problem shouldn’t be resolved. There are certain personality types that defend against solving problem by getting upset.

Proverb 19:19 "Don’t rescue an angry man, because you will only do it again tomorrow."

So if you rescue some body every time who gets upset by saying I am not going to bring this up again. Maybe it need to be brought it up again, maybe they should get mad because they are doing something that is bad, or hurtful or doesn’t do them any good.

Be the person that says, "Obviously we can’t make any plans, or changes right now. You are really upset and so am I. But I am going to let you know that this is not going away. I want to come back to this."

Why we fight?

(Link: Why we fight. The good news about those four main reasons. (5:20) - John Townsend)

Why do we fight? There is more than one reason why people fight. The basic one is because the other person is wrong. God send you as an angel to straighten the other person out. (Not!)

One of the reasons we fight is because we need to fight. And the reason why we need to fight is for one basic agenda.

Nobody have all the reality. There is your blind spots, that is your own hurts and your own filters that you put on things. Some of you see. For example when some body is truthful, you see them as being abusive. Because you have a lot of abuse in the past.

So every time when someone is direct with you, you feel like a victim, because there is trauma and hurt in that level. Some of you feel like when you speak out no body gets you, because you learn to be indirect. So you filter reality.

There are some of you that have been clean out and you start to know who you are and what you feel and what is important. But you still don’t have all the facts or all the reality. But some of you have all the reality that is like a kind of drama that replays itself over and over again in this painful relationship. Either way, no body has all the facts.

Another reason why we have to fight or do fight is to solve a problem. It takes a lot of effort to fight, because most of us are lovers. What makes it worth it to enter into conflicts?

There are things that make it worth it. I want to be understood, I want to see some change, I want to understand myself better, I like to deepen our relationship better.

4 things why people fight

1. Lack of connection – We are not connected and I want to be. I can’t tell if you are with me or not. I don’t feel connected to you and I would like that. Can we work on that?

2. Form of control – I can’t feel that I can be free around you, I don’t feel myself around you, I can’t feel I have choices. Some kind of a critical parent thing, it is hard for me to be me and be real. Hard to make choices.

3. Irresponsibility – I feel that I am always picking up after you. You don’t take your part of the problem. I am doing 80% of the work. The kind of "I do it all and I resent you" problem. Resentment gets into the way of love.

4. Self-centeredness – lets not talk about me, but what about you think about me.

These are 4 ways people are willing to cross into fighting. These are good reasons to fight because love and responsibility and freedom of choice, and empathy and denying your own self and getting the other person’s heart are worth good conversation.

Why didn't I find this earlier? Good Stuff...

Why we fight. The good news about those four main reasons. (5:20) - John Townsend

One of the biggest mistakes you can make in an argument. (4:31) - John Townsend

Good Fights - Bad Fights! (7:55) - John Townsend

When fights get "historical." (2:22) - John Townsend

The two pillars you need to support a good conversation. (7:22) - Henry Cloud

The two secret weapons for any argument. (5:14) - Henry Cloud

"You are not the boss of me!" Freedom and control in a relationship - you may be surprised by what ... (6:11) - John Townsend

"Getting to know you." How to get to each others' hearts. (6:03) - Henry Cloud

Better communication isn't the whole solution - here's what you need even more! (6:35) - Henry Cloud

Men & Women Keep Score Differently

This is the article I was mentioning yesterday.

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Men & Women Keep Score Differently

Knowing how the opposite sex keeps score in a relationship is a key secret to not only having a very happy and fulfilling relationship…but also is critical to understand in getting a failed relationship back on track.

Both men and women do keep a subconscious “point system”.
-Men typically award more points if an action is BIG, and less points if an action is small.
-Women typically give one point no matter how big or small.

Reread that if you have to…it sounds like no big whoop…but it is huge.

Big problems arise because when we are trying to win points…we are thinking using our own “gender’s mindset”.

So say a man wants to score “points” with a woman. He thinks like a man and says to himself…I am going to do something REALLY BIG and score a lot of points at one time…

“Yeah…than I will be good to go for a couple weeks…or maybe even a month!”

So…he goes out and does “something big”…like buying a very expensive piece of jewelery…

Which any woman would be ecstatic to receive…

But…

The problem is he then mistakenly calculates that he really doesn’t need to do anything more…for awhile…

Now…MOST women…if given a choice between getting a piece of jewelery OR…getting a love note one day…an unexpected “I just called to say I love you” telephone call the next day…a single rose the next…and many SMALL things often…will go with the “many small things often” over the one HUGE thing 90% of the time.

Does that make sense?

Does it make sense now why some arguments go like this:

Woman: “Why don’t you bring me flowers anymore?”

Man: Very…very aggravated…”WHAT?… I just bought you a gold necklace JUST LAST MONTH!”

Ever sound familiar?

You see…all along he’s thinking he is good to go for quite some time BECAUSE that is how MEN KEEP SCORE.

(Note: Gentleman are thinking “How can I come up with so many ways to earn points with her?”)

Now ladies…this works…or doesn’t work in the reverse too. Women generally do nice “little” things every day…

And they mistakenly believe they are “racking up” a lot of points.

Pick up his dry cleaning 1 point

Give him a back massage 1 point

Leave him a little love note 1 point

and on and on…

But what happens? A big argument ensues because she feels she has racked up all of these points…and he never shows any appreciation for all of the points she has earned.

See…in “his” mind he does appreciate those little things…but he doesn’t keep score that way…and is not going to make a big deal out of a few one pointers.

See, the girl would be much better off…if she would have just bought tickets to a BIG ballgame…she would have scored like 50 points all at ONCE…and SHE would be good to go for weeks! And he would tell all of his friends and thank her profusely as well as NEVER FORGETTING the time she bought tickets to the big playoff game.

Cuz’ that’s just the way it works with men.

(Ladies want to know ways to score HUGE points with men?)

Little things

I was reading an article yesterday and I came across a little section about "Little things" we do.

The article was saying that when people are in a relationship they have a little scoring board or scoring system. Every positive thing you do you earn one point. So they are saying the difference between a guy and a girl is this:

A girl will do little things, small gesture, and that will somehow score one point each in the heart of man. Without him even knowing.

A guy, however, will always try to do a "big" thing for a girl, thinking that it will impress her and thus scoring more points. Then the guy will think he did enough and can slack for a while.

I know, I know... Guilty as charged.. I admit I am guilty of it. I guess now when I think about it, everything you did should only account as one point, since it is one thing you do.

I guess that is why woman alsways feels that the guy are not attentive to her, don't treasure her. Things like that.

We male and female are so different in make up. I guess that is why the bible says "Do not despise the days of small beginning". Because little can amount to much. Every small gesture do play a part in building relationship.

I guess I have so much to learn about relationship...

What was the 1 most common thing couples argued about?

""There are three things that amaze me – no, four things I do not understand: .... how a man loves a woman. " ~ Proverbs 30 : 18-19 (NLT)

I was having a MSN conversation with a female friend her about boyfriend last night. I think it is quite interesting to post it up here, WITH her consent. I am sure all of us can relate.

Let's call her Friend 2.

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Friend 2: "What was the 1 most common thing couples argued about?"

Me: It depends...

Friend 2: But you know once we are in a relationship... We become very vulnerable..

Me: Yes I know, but do remember to keep open communication.. Once communication breaks down its very hard to settle issues....

Friend 2: Once, we had practice together. He kept pointing out my mistakes and I got very hurt... He knew something was wrong however he didn't know why... I didn't tell him until he sent me home... It is like whenever I'm sad because of what he did.. I will turn silent... Because I didn't know how to express out in words...

Me: I am sure you have your reasons to keep quiet... Women takes emotions at a different level from man... You just need some time to really settle your emotions before you can deal with it... Am I right?

Friend 2: Haha ya...

Friend 2: Because when our thoughts are everywhere... It's hard for us to catch the right words to say also...

Me: When you are emotionally involved, you can't see things objectively.

Friend 2: Ya true ma.. That is why I'd rather keep quiet.. Rather than say the wrong things which I will regret later.... Just that the way you phrase it is more profound...

Me: It is ok to feel sad and all... But to us man... We are frightened when you girls go quiet... We will get frighten, we get scare, we will start to keep pushing for answers, then you girls will keep even more silence... But the silence is killing us... Then we will get frustrated... and angry... I am not saying that it is all the girl's fault... But I am saying that keeping silent do not solve the issue... You know, we as guys have the tendency to want to fix things... We want to fix the broken relationship or the broken communication.... But if we do not what is wrong, or how to fix... It makes us feel really useless and frustrated with ourselves....

Friend 2: Sounds familiar... When the guy gets angry... We feel misunderstood...

Me: Did he get angry?

Friend 2: Nope.... I just smsed him and thanked him for his patience... Telling him don't ever think he's useless... and that he's very important and dear in my life...

Me: Good.. Keep it that way, honeymoon period... I think I can predict what you will say...

Friend 2: Will the guy change because of the girl or because he truly wants to.

Me: Eeer... Most of the time... Sad to say... The guy only knows what to change when the girl threatens to leave or when the girl really left... If some one needs to change, he needs to know what to change. You know what I mean? If he don't know what to change, then how to change? How does one know what is wrong when he can't see what is wrong? I guess that is why it is called a blind spot.

Friend 2: Then why do some guys dislike girls telling them to change?

Me: Do you like your boyfriend to point out your mistakes in practice?

Friend 2: I want him to tell me my mistakes... but in a nicer way... That's why I say we become vulnerable in a relationship... Others can shoot me anyway they want.. but not him...

Me: Err yes... We all can relate to that.. I guess women takes emotions at a different level... We, man got to learn not to treat our woman like our buddies...

Friend 2: Guys can't treat their girlfriends as buddies!

Me: Yes, I heard that one before.... It is a tendency la... That is why I say we man need to learn not to...

Friend 2: I think most importantly is not to assume the other party knows what you are thinking...

Me: That is actually very hard.

Friend 2: Ya man.. Like sometimes he doesn't even know what he did wrong, which I thought it's quite obvious.

Me: It is not obvious la... That is why its call a blind spot.

Friend 2: Maybe females are more sensitive.

Me: And man are not so, that is the difference..

Friend 2: Ya, why ah? Hmmm... really obvious leh...

Me: Maybe because whatever God took out from man was not replaced, but it was given back to him in the form of a helper?

Friend 2: Sounds reasonable.

Friend 2: Is it good to be too honest?

Me: Yes

Friend 2: That's why I admire his courage to tell me about his past, but I feel bad for handling it so badly. I had a glimpse of his past before we really got together. I was quite cool about it... Because that was before he knew God. Anyway yesterday he told me more which was kinda to much to take in all at once so I sort of freaked out.

Me: Its ok... Just give him some assurance, we all had our ugly past. If our loved ones can't accept us for that, we will feel very scared, scare that they will leave us for our past.

Friend 2: That's why he was frank about it? So that he will know if I can accept him?

Me: Yes... Probably...

Friend 2: Sigh... but I reacted so badly to it.

Me: Its ok you had your fears too... Just give him some assurance

Friend 2: Yup I did...

Me: Keep giving for another few weeks

Friend 2: Ok... But seriously I'm quite afraid the same thing will happen in future.. I told him this that I am scared of our future

Me: What did he say?

Friend 2: He told me he will definitely change to become a better man... He told me to trust him and believe in him..

Me: But you don’t because you are hoping to hear an answer like... "Baby, I know I can't promise you anything. but I am trying to be a better person... I can't promise you a bed of roses... But if you can trust me... We walk through this together... "

Friend 2: Ya he said that.. He wants me to go through this together

Me: You don't seem convience and I don't blame you... It is natural... It is difficult for a woman to entrust her heart, her life to a man... It is a very big step of faith and you need a great big sense of security to feel safe you need to feel safe in his arms.

Friend 2: Ya... He said he doesn't know how to gain back my trust... But hope I can trust him again

Me: I think he needs to work for it.

Friend 2: I think it takes more than just love to sustain a relationship

Me: It takes strength and hard work with open communication... I couldn't stress more on the open communication

Friend 2: I told him I was scared. He asked if I am scared of him... For a moment, I was stunned. Because I didn't know if I was scared of him or what.. But it seems ridiculous right to be scared of the person who loves you.

Me: I can't answer that question..

Friend 2: I’m just scared of the future what if he repeats the same thing... Can I handle it... How?

Me: Communicate your fears to him... Keep constant Open communication... Make sure he understands what your fears are.... Then he knows what to do...

Me: Glad that I can smoothen your fears.

Friend 2: Yes, I feel better.

Me: Wait, this shouldn't be my job.

Friend 2: He did also la.

Me: Wow.. protecting him.

Friend 2: Hahaha..

Jewish Marriage Advice

***RABBINICAL ADVICE FOR MARRIAGE APPLIES TO ALL FAITHS***

by http://lists101.his.com/pipermail/smartmarriages/2001-May/000611.html

by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.Guys, understanding your wife is essential for a great marriage.

Most men find it very challenging to attain real intimacy in marriage. I'd like to explain why.

But first, a few caveats. This article is intended for men. Of course women are welcome to read it -- but don't say I didn't warn you. Sexuality for men is an entirely different ballgame.

Second caveat: The point of this article is to help you build the marriage bond and be a better husband. I am not discussing physical intimacy as an end unto itself.

The great philosopher, rabbi and Torah commentator Nachmanides, wrote a letter to his son, back in the 12th century, describing in much detail the fine points of making love. Here is an excerpt:

"Therefore you should begin with words that will draw her heart to you and will settle her mind and will make her happy; to unite your mind with her mind and your intention with her intention. It is fitting to win her heart with words of charm and seduction and other proper things."

Nachmanides explains that sexual intimacy is not a physical thing, it's a mind thing. And that's not what comes most naturally for most men. The rabbi also advocates "words of charm" -- in other words, talking. (Another thing which does not come so naturally to many guys.)

THE GREAT DIVIDE

The reason why Nachmanides suggests this approach is precisely because men and women are fundamentally different.

One difference is reflected in their sexual physiology. I call this a generic difference as opposed to a personal difference. Men are built outwardly and women are built inwardly. Inwardness is about relationships, values, meaning, morality, and intuition.

Inwardness is about relationships, values, meaning, morality, and intuition. Outwardness is about achievement, success, power, and action. These generic differences result in men and women having different generic needs.

Therefore, a woman's basic generic need is for love, while a man's basic need is for respect.

Let's delve into this more...

NEED FOR LOVE

Women need love like a fish needs water. A woman who doesn't feel loved by her husband feels as if she's hated.

In describing Jacob's love for his wives, Rachel and Leah, the Torah says, "Jacob loved Rachel more than he loved Leah" (Genesis 29:30). This clearly implies that Jacob did love Leah, only not as much as Rachel.

But the Torah then says, "And when God saw that Leah was hated, He opened her womb." Where does it imply that Jacob hated Leah? "God saw that Leah was hated." Rabbi Noah Weinberg suggests that from Jacob's point of view he did love Leah, but he didn't work hard enough to make her feel loved.

When a man does not make his wife feel loved, she feels hated. There is no gray area for a woman in how she feels about her relationship with her husband.

One of the ways that a man makes a woman feel loved is to talk to her, and to give her time and attention.

Because of the woman's need for attention, Nachmanides tells us that the key to physical intimacy is that a man must talk to his wife so that she feels loved by him. When a man talks to his wife and connects with her emotionally, she feels relaxed. Above all, she feels connected to her husband in a way that allows her to feel safe to express her sexuality.

BOYS AND GIRLS

This can be difficult for us guys since we are not wired to communicate that way.

A well-known psychologist did a number of experiments with young boys and girls to see if there was any difference in their communication styles. She took a group of 5-year-old girls and put them in a room. What did they do? They formed their chairs into a circle, facing each other -- and started talking to each other.

Then she put a group of 5-year-old "future husbands" in the same room. What do you think these guys did? One boy positioned himself in a corner, two others were fighting with their chairs, and two others were "hanging out" mumbling at each other, their eyes every place but looking at each other. The girls made eye contact when they talked; the boys never made eye contact, except by accident.

The girls made immediate eye contact when they talked; the boys never made eye contact, except by accident. So the next time your wife says, "Will you please look at me when you talk to me," perhaps you'll understand a little better what's going on.

So talk to your wife. About anything. And start first thing in the morning.

A woman who feels loved in the morning is in a loving mood at night.

Men generally don't understand this. A man can run out of the house in a huff without saying goodbye, ignore his wife all day, never even bother to call, and come home at night expecting romance! My dear friend, it just doesn't work that way. You know it and I know it.

PRACTICAL APPLICATION

You may argue: "But all this talking doesn't come natural for me."

That's no excuse.

Judaism says it is a moral obligation for the man to take responsibility to make sure his wife is both emotionally and sexually satisfied. In fact, this is a Biblical command. So guys, let's get working. You'll build the marriage bond and be a better husband.

1. Make sure to call your wife at least once a day just to tell her you love her. No business mixed in. You must stay in touch with her and let her know that she's the most special and important part of your life.

2. Try leaving her little notes once in a while, such as in her [empty!] coffee cup or taped to her steering wheel. You don't have to say a lot, just a little something, like: "You're the best and I'm always thinking of you."

3. Make sure you give your wife at least two nice compliments before you turn in for the night. Never stop pointing out what you like and respect about her.

4. At least once every two months, get away with your spouse for a one-night rendezvous - away from the kids, phones, and the noise of living.

If you make the effort, I guarantee you'll see the difference in your marriage. Your wife will be happy, you'll be happy, and you'll feel like a hero.

Cashback

Synopsis

After a painful break up with his first girlfriend Suzy, Ben, an aspiring artist, develops insomnia. To take his mind off his problem he spends his nights working at a local supermarket, where he meets colorful characters. He falls in love with his colleague Sharon.

He lets his imagination run wild. In particular, he imagines that he can stop time for others, so that he can walk around in a world that is "frozen" like in pause mode of a film. He imagines female clients standing frozen in the supermarket, so that he can undress and draw them.

We see in flashback, with Ben's voice-over explaining how he always has been impressed by the beauty of the female body, how he, as a young boy, could see a Swedish boarder naked while she was going to and coming from the shower; being Swedish she did not believe this situation required modesty. Also we see little Ben's friend Sean Higgins showing Ben his parents' adult magazines. Furthermore we see Sean paying a girl for showing him her genitals.

Sharon is Ben's date when they go to the birthday party of their boss. Ben meets Suzy who wants to continue their relationship. Ben refuses, but Sharon gets a negative impression seeing Ben with Suzy for a moment, and gets angry.

As a practical joke colleagues Barry and Matt phone him, one of them pretending to be an art gallery owner who is interested in his drawings, and an appointment is made. It turns out well: the gallery owner, seeing Ben's work, is interested, and an exhibition follows. Sharon also visits it and is impressed not only by Ben's success, but also by the many paintings portraying her; ceasing from being angry.

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Mr and Mrs Smith

Last night a friend ask me, "Gary, how is it like to be in a relatiohship. I am in my first month."

I find it difficult to explain, why not we watch it?

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At first, the couple met. Sparks of fire flying around. They date, have fun, get to know each other. Then they got together, married or not. Its the same. Honeymoon period. Then they start to realise both have their own point of view.

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You would probably think the most sensible thing of getting to know each other is getting closer. Which is not. It has to first grow apart. Until you don't know who you are seeing, asking yourself "what have I gotten myself into".

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The couple starts to kill each other (not as literal as this, anyway you will get the message). Not being sexist, you will find the girl bailing out first. At first response of threat, the girl fleed. Then the guy will chase, go after what ran away and accidentally shot the girl in the process, by plain clumsiness or something. Then you will see the woman display their over-reaction by trying to run the guy down with a car. Then you will find the couple talking to their friends who don't really give good advice. The guy will keep chasing. The girl keeps running. Watch it. You will get the point.

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And the girl will threaten. And they keep killing each other. There will be fights too. But keep it healthy if you can. Fights enhance intimacy. Eventually the couple make up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finally, the couple decides to work together. However, working together takes lots of practice. Besides, they have been without each other for so long in there life before they met. Sure they will have different ways of working. You will find the girl meticulous and the guy working with improvisation. The couple will also have to relearn everything about each other. Still lots of patience needed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When you think everyting went well. Pressures of life kicks in again. Again, the girl thinks about bailing out. I guess its natural way of flight and fight responses. Woman being the weaker vessel choose to flight, the guy being the macho macho wants to fight. You will probably be familar with this script:

"I am a mess. You're a disaster. But we are both liars. But you run, you'll always be running. I say we stay and fight. We finish this thing. Then if you want to go you go."

Then the couple give themselves one more shot. Working together, taking out the adversity in their lives. Some pull through some don't. In this case, they do.

Hope it helps friend...

The Break-Up

How to Choose the Right Partner

by Health Resource Center

Do you have an ideal partner sketched out in your head? Perhaps you have a shopping list of “must have” traits. If so, you are not alone. The most common characteristics people want in their partners include honesty, intelligence, sense of humor, openness to new ideas, stability, communication, common hobbies and interests, and willingness to work on the relationship to make it succeed. Though men and women might seek similar traits in a partner, research has demonstrated that each individual focuses on different qualities. Men typically want a relationship that allows autonomy, while women look for a sense of connection.

To begin your quest to find the right partner, think about the traits and behaviors you prefer. Most people automatically think of superficial traits such as “height” or “blue eyes.” Though these traits can be important, other traits are more important when it comes to having a healthy, long-term relationship. Here is a list of some important qualities to consider:

1. Commitment to personal growth

• Is interested in learning how to be a better person and spouse.
• Is aware of emotional baggage, blind spots, and weaknesses.
• Has personal goals for self-improvement.

2. Emotional Openness

• Is aware of his or her own feelings
• Is able to express his or her feelings
• Desires to share feelings with you

3. Integrity

• Is honest with himself or herself
• Is honest with others and you
• Does not play games about wants and feelings

4. Maturity and Responsibility

• Maintains a clean house, pays bills and handles finances
• Is able to take care of himself or herself
• Follows through on promises, shows up on time, doesn't let people down
• Respects your boundaries, feelings, time, etc.

5. High Self-esteem

• Takes pride in himself or herself without being arrogant
• Takes care of body, living environment, car, possessions
• Does not allow other people to mistreat him/her

6. Positive Attitude Towards Life

• Focuses on solutions instead of problems
• Turns obstacles into opportunities
• Sees the good in situations and people

Now that your list is complete consider some flaws that are fatal to a relationship. Your partner might have one or more of these traits and still be capable of having a relationship. However, you may have a problem-filled relationship. According to Barbara DeAngelis, PhD the following is a list of fatal flaws:

• Addictions
• Anger
• Victim consciousness
• Control freak
• Sexual dysfunction
• Hasn't grown up
• Emotionally unavailable
• Hasn't recovered from past relationships
• Emotional damage from childhood

Analyze Yourself
Next, turn the examination inwards. Ask yourself what is holding you back from having a loving relationship. Perhaps you are hurt from a previous break-up. Maybe you are afraid of commitment. Identify these issues and handle them . In addition, examine your previous relationships and learn from them. What mistakes did you make? What aspects of a previous relationship would you want to develop in future relationship(s)? Finally, examine other factors that might affect your partner choice: cultural norms, expectations of male and female roles, religious background, and socioeconomic needs.

Analyze Your Relationship
Once you are in a relationship continue to examine your compatibility with your partner. Do not overlook compatibility issues in order to be in a relationship. In other words, do not ignore warning signs of potential problems. Other mistakes include making compromises, such as eliminating activities you like because they don't interest your partner or reducing communication with family members your partner dislikes.

Talk to Your Partner
You should not be hesitant to ask your partner questions. You need to find out the behaviors and attitudes you can expect for later. It is important to learn not only about your partner but also about your partner's relationship with his or her family. Moreover, learning about your partner's family will provide insights about your partner. Here is a list of questions you could ask:

• What do you like to do for fun? What did you do for fun when you were younger? How often do you get out and have fun? How much time per week do you take for leisure activities? What do you do when you want to relax? What do you like to do on vacation? What were your friendships like when you were growing up?
• How do you handle tough times? How have you handled some of the difficult situations in your life?
• What were your parents like when you were growing up? How did their opinions influence you, then and now? How did your parents get along? How have you changed over the years?
• What are your plans for the future? What are your attitudes and what is your style for handling money? Do you like to help with household chores? What do you like to talk about? What conversations do you like to avoid?

Take Your Time
Overall, be patient. Take the time to get to know potential partners before jumping into a relationship. After all, you wouldn't select the first apple that caught your eye in the produce bin! Why be any less selective with your choice of mate?

References:
James, John and Schlesinger, Ibis. How to Choose the Right Partner? Addison- Wesley: Menlo Park, CA; 1987.
DeAngelis, Barbara, Ph.D. Are You the One for Me? Delacorte Press: New York; 1992.

22 Guaranteed Ways To Destroy A Relationship

by eNotAlone

Relationships are often hard to maintain, even when two people profess undying love for each other. A major problem in a relationship is that one or both partners continue to make the same errors but then cannot understand why the relationship is in trouble. It is almost as though they are determined to do things their way, even at the risk of damaging a good thing.

In my clinical practice, I have discovered at least 22 errors in thinking and communicating that people make, which if repeated, have the potential of destroying a relationship. Which of the following errors are you making?

1. Rigidly maintain that you are always right, even when you do not have all the facts!
2. Never apologize, even when you are proven wrong beyond a shadow of a doubt!
3. Be relentless in rubbing it in when you are proven right!
4. Dogmatically maintain that you know your partner's motives better than he or she does!
5. Assume that your partner should understand your needs and should respond immediately without being asked!
6. Totally ignore your partner's priorities and insist on your own!
7. Operate on the assumption that your partner's sexual need cycle is identical to yours!
8. Add deep psychological meaning to your partner's sexual disinterest, and take it very personally!
9. Do not ever admit hurt, but go immediately to the expression of anger!
10. Identify your partner's character flaws and family secrets and use them to make a point when logic fails!
11. Use guilt to manipulate, to get your own way or to punish!
12. Become proficient at catching your partner being bad, but do not ever comment if you catch him or her being good!
13. Cut no slack, yield no ground and push your argument until your partner walks out the door... then follow the coward!
14. Do not let go of the past, rehashing your version of it as often as possible!
15. Cling very very tightly, claiming that you will surly die if you are ignored!
16. If you are not a clinger, then stay emotionally/physically distant, and show no signs that you really care for your partner!
17. Make promises, but never keep them!
18. Be factious so you partner never knows when you are being serious!
19. Always make excuses for your bad habits!
20. Insist that what you have to say is always more important that what your partner is saying, so interrupt!
21. Pretend that you understand what you partner has said, even if you have no idea of the point that was being made!
22. Act as though you do none of the above and it is your partner who must make all the changes!

Romance advice: competition in relationships

Some competition in a relationship can be healthy, but too much of a competitive spirit can cause major problems.

We're all exposed to some form of competition from our earliest childhoods. We competed with our siblings for our parent's affections, we competed with our classmates for the teacher's attention, and we competed in sports or academic events. In our adolescence, we continued to compete for college scholarships or spots in an athletic team. We even competed for the attentions of members of the opposite sex.

This competitive spirit often serves a positive purpose- it keeps us motivated to improve ourselves by occasionally comparing our own skills against others. But sometimes competition brings on situations where we get so caught up in the pursuit of 'winning' that we lose sight of the benefits of NOT winning. This is one of the dangers couples face in romantic relationships.

It would be nice if we could completely switch off our competitive urges, but we can't. Two individuals meet, often under competitive circumstances, and a complicated cycle of ambition and compromise often begins. In a sense, the meeting itself is a result of competition. One or both partners took the initiative and successfully pursued someone who may have been seen as a 'prize catch' by others. Thus a romantic relationship already begins with a sense of achievement through competition.

Sometimes a competitive spirit can bring out better qualities in both partners. Each individual accomplishment promotes a positive sense of 'if she can do it, so can I'. Romantic partners can provide each other with a tangible example of what ambition and drive can do. Someone who tends to remain on the sidelines while others move forward may find the resolve to improve himself or herself. In the most positive sense of competition, demonstrating your own ambition might spur a romantic partner to break out of a slump and become more energized. The only caveat would be to realize when you're being constructively competitive and when you're being recklessly driven by ego. Romantic partners may appreciate each other's competitive natures, but one may begin to build up resentment if the other is constantly away for contests or career-boosting business trips.

Some couples find that competition left unchecked can lead to conflict. An issue that may be readily resolved with a little compromise may escalate to a full-blown battle instead. The idea of being proven wrong or having to settle for second place is not always a good thing for competitive personalities to consider. Winning the argument becomes more important than reconciling the facts which prompted it. Romantic couples who don't want to live in a 'fight or submit' atmosphere must learn to discuss problems non-competitively. There may indeed be one opinion closer to the truth than another, but it shouldn't be viewed as a win or lose option. Both sides might present their position with passion and authority, but ultimately compromises should rule the day.

Another difficult competition issue to face as a couple is career success. If the man is an auto mechanic and the woman is a legal secretary, they may not experience much in the way of career competition. He may harbor thoughts of becoming the manager of the shop or starting his own garage, but he is not competing against his wife or girlfriend vocationally. She might want to go back to school for more legal training or find a completely different occupation. Again, her career interests don't interfere with those of an auto mechanic. But let's examine another couple for a moment. He has always wanted to be a successful writer and she works as an assistant newspaper editor. Both are driven to become successful in an extremely competitive business. He sends out numerous manuscripts while she happens to meet a publisher at work.

In this scenario, an unhealthy competition can lead to a very serious conflict. The publisher may read her manuscript and offer her a contract, while his efforts come back with rejection slips. Both understand the competitive nature of the writing business, but she experiences the first real success. Her partner may find himself caught between two very human emotions- pride for his partner's accomplishment and jealousy that she received a 'lucky break'. The danger of competition becomes more obvious as time goes on. He may devote more of his time to improving his own craft, which would seem to be a positive outcome of his partner's success. But meanwhile, she's written a second successful book. The conflict begins anew. Whenever both partners are in the same competitive vocation, it is essential that they reach an understanding. The real 'competition' are those unseen faces trying to get the same contracts or accounts or clients, not one another. Remaining competitive in a business sense may benefit both of them, but they cannot remain competitive in a romantic sense and expect a long-term relationship to survive.

Another problem that some couples face involves the outcome of one partner's success. He might be offered a remarkable opportunity to work at the company's headquarters, but the office is located in California. She may have a satisfying career at a local hospital with the potential of becoming a supervisor. If she moved with him to California, she'd have to take a lesser position and begin with no seniority. If he remained in Maine with her, the job in California would be offered to someone else. Both partners have a solid case for remaining in place or moving away. Both achieved their career goals by being constructively competitive. But in order for one partner to reach the next stage in his or her career, the other must make a tremendous sacrifice. This is where competition between couples would not be helpful. The only resolution is finding a workable compromise in which both partners would feel they received proper respect. If they both remain competitive, then the 'losing' partner may build up tremendous feelings of resentment. They may have to decide the matter on the basis of real economics and the potential for employment. If his new job in California came with a significantly higher income, then she may have to consider taking a small step back in her own goals. He may have to consider keeping his old job so she can stay in competition for a supervisory position. Competitive couples might easily decide to go their separate ways over an issue like this, or attempt to maintain a very difficult long-distance relationship.

Competition in a romantic relationship can bring out the best in both partners, since each one sincerely wants to become the best he or she can be. Without some spirit of competition, relationships can quickly become boring and routine. Having passionate discussions about movies or politics or books can keep the couple moving forward in their relationship. It's only when winning becomes more important than the time spent together that competition can become a difficult thing to face.