***RABBINICAL ADVICE FOR MARRIAGE APPLIES TO ALL FAITHS***
by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.Guys, understanding your wife is essential for a great marriage.
Most men find it very challenging to attain real intimacy in marriage. I'd like to explain why.
But first, a few caveats. This article is intended for men. Of course women are welcome to read it -- but don't say I didn't warn you. Sexuality for men is an entirely different ballgame.
Second caveat: The point of this article is to help you build the marriage bond and be a better husband. I am not discussing physical intimacy as an end unto itself.
The great philosopher, rabbi and Torah commentator Nachmanides, wrote a letter to his son, back in the 12th century, describing in much detail the fine points of making love. Here is an excerpt:
"Therefore you should begin with words that will draw her heart to you and will settle her mind and will make her happy; to unite your mind with her mind and your intention with her intention. It is fitting to win her heart with words of charm and seduction and other proper things."
Nachmanides explains that sexual intimacy is not a physical thing, it's a mind thing. And that's not what comes most naturally for most men. The rabbi also advocates "words of charm" -- in other words, talking. (Another thing which does not come so naturally to many guys.)
THE GREAT DIVIDE
The reason why Nachmanides suggests this approach is precisely because men and women are fundamentally different.
One difference is reflected in their sexual physiology. I call this a generic difference as opposed to a personal difference. Men are built outwardly and women are built inwardly. Inwardness is about relationships, values, meaning, morality, and intuition.
Inwardness is about relationships, values, meaning, morality, and intuition. Outwardness is about achievement, success, power, and action. These generic differences result in men and women having different generic needs.
Therefore, a woman's basic generic need is for love, while a man's basic need is for respect.
Let's delve into this more...
NEED FOR LOVE
Women need love like a fish needs water. A woman who doesn't feel loved by her husband feels as if she's hated.
In describing Jacob's love for his wives, Rachel and Leah, the Torah says, "Jacob loved Rachel more than he loved Leah" (Genesis 29:30). This clearly implies that Jacob did love Leah, only not as much as Rachel.
But the Torah then says, "And when God saw that Leah was hated, He opened her womb." Where does it imply that Jacob hated Leah? "God saw that Leah was hated." Rabbi Noah Weinberg suggests that from Jacob's point of view he did love Leah, but he didn't work hard enough to make her feel loved.
When a man does not make his wife feel loved, she feels hated. There is no gray area for a woman in how she feels about her relationship with her husband.
One of the ways that a man makes a woman feel loved is to talk to her, and to give her time and attention.
Because of the woman's need for attention, Nachmanides tells us that the key to physical intimacy is that a man must talk to his wife so that she feels loved by him. When a man talks to his wife and connects with her emotionally, she feels relaxed. Above all, she feels connected to her husband in a way that allows her to feel safe to express her sexuality.
BOYS AND GIRLS
This can be difficult for us guys since we are not wired to communicate that way.
A well-known psychologist did a number of experiments with young boys and girls to see if there was any difference in their communication styles. She took a group of 5-year-old girls and put them in a room. What did they do? They formed their chairs into a circle, facing each other -- and started talking to each other.
Then she put a group of 5-year-old "future husbands" in the same room. What do you think these guys did? One boy positioned himself in a corner, two others were fighting with their chairs, and two others were "hanging out" mumbling at each other, their eyes every place but looking at each other. The girls made eye contact when they talked; the boys never made eye contact, except by accident.
The girls made immediate eye contact when they talked; the boys never made eye contact, except by accident. So the next time your wife says, "Will you please look at me when you talk to me," perhaps you'll understand a little better what's going on.
So talk to your wife. About anything. And start first thing in the morning.
A woman who feels loved in the morning is in a loving mood at night.
Men generally don't understand this. A man can run out of the house in a huff without saying goodbye, ignore his wife all day, never even bother to call, and come home at night expecting romance! My dear friend, it just doesn't work that way. You know it and I know it.
PRACTICAL APPLICATION
You may argue: "But all this talking doesn't come natural for me."
That's no excuse.
Judaism says it is a moral obligation for the man to take responsibility to make sure his wife is both emotionally and sexually satisfied. In fact, this is a Biblical command. So guys, let's get working. You'll build the marriage bond and be a better husband.
1. Make sure to call your wife at least once a day just to tell her you love her. No business mixed in. You must stay in touch with her and let her know that she's the most special and important part of your life.
2. Try leaving her little notes once in a while, such as in her [empty!] coffee cup or taped to her steering wheel. You don't have to say a lot, just a little something, like: "You're the best and I'm always thinking of you."
3. Make sure you give your wife at least two nice compliments before you turn in for the night. Never stop pointing out what you like and respect about her.
4. At least once every two months, get away with your spouse for a one-night rendezvous - away from the kids, phones, and the noise of living.
If you make the effort, I guarantee you'll see the difference in your marriage. Your wife will be happy, you'll be happy, and you'll feel like a hero.
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