The battle begins as the dawn breaks. The fights were fierce and lasted till dusk. When all is asleep, the war continues. Finally I crawled into bed, with my battled self, seeking for nothing but a complete rest.
Before the sun rises again next morning, the battle had long begun.
Indeed, it was not a fight against flesh and blood. It was a fight much more. I am tired, so tired, worn out by all that had been fought. Yet I could not stop now. No, I can't. I have to keep up the good fight.
It is a war that you fight alone.
After weeks and months of internal battles, battling between flesh and thoughts, my heart died again. Everyday, I died a little, for the eternal purpose to come.
Someone asked me recently how was my walk with God. I answered "Raw". Don't know what it meant to her. But it meant exactly what it meant to me. "Raw".
You have always heard people say "Let Your Kingdom come, Your Will be done". But what exactly is His Kingdom and His Will? None of us will know. For the secret things belong to God.
How much does it take for a man to finally come to terms with his heart and his mind? Maybe, it takes a lot! Enough for him to battle and die everyday. Until he finally surrender and say "Ok, I will not struggle no more."
In my limited knowledge of God, I could not understand why the God who supposed to be good, took everything from me overnight. I did according to what He asked me to do. Maybe I was "sincerely" wrong. No matter what it was, I felt raw, unprotected, and forsaken.
I do not understand why, and I do not know what to believe in anymore. The things I fought for, the cause that I lived for, the seeds that I sowed for, all were but vanity and grasping for the wind (Ecclesiastes 1:14). What profit has a man from all his labor In which he toils under the sun? (Ecclesiastes 1:3)
I do not understand why my hopes were destroyed. My dreams were shattered. My future ahead of me was taken away from me.
It is easy to say "For every closed door there is an open window". It is easy to say "Everything works out to be the best for all who love Him". It is also easy to say "He has a plan for you, a plan of good and not of evil, a plan to prosper you".
It is all but easy to know. But not so when all is raw.
"Then Job spoke again: "If my sadness could be weighed and my troubles be put on the scales, they would be heavier than all the sands of the sea. That is why I spoke so rashly. For the Almighty has struck me down with his arrows. He has sent his poisoned arrows deep within my spirit. All God's terrors are arrayed against me. Don't I have a right to complain? Wild donkeys bray when they find no green grass, and oxen low when they have no food. People complain when there is no salt in their food. And how tasteless is the uncooked white of an egg! My appetite disappears when I look at it; I gag at the thought of eating it! "Oh, that I might have my request, that God would grant my hope. I wish he would crush me. I wish he would reach out his hand and kill me. At least I can take comfort in this: Despite the pain, I have not denied the words of the Holy One. But I do not have the strength to endure. I do not have a goal that encourages me to carry on. Do I have strength as hard as stone? Is my body made of bronze? No, I am utterly helpless, without any chance of success." ~ Job 6
It is a war that you fight alone...
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