Don’t make this mistake, it is the greatest mistake not to make.
When emotions are high, DON’T drive a point. When emotions are high, it is not a time to drive a point. When some body is really mad, or really rigid, and kind of not listening, or some body is really sad, or scare or feel unloved. What is their Capacity to hear your point? It is mostly negative. Because what they are hearing is their own experience and it is much louder than the point you have to make.
There are some couples, the person would just drive the point across when the person is upset thinking this makes it. But what they have done, is they have taken the truth and they make it into a spear. A lot of times the other can hear it but they cannot hear the love that must be there for that. It is just useless.
Sometimes you might think that the issue is this, but you find them talking about something else.
So a rule of thumb is to follow the feelings, because that is where the problem will be. The origin of the feelings may be something need to be heal, or something need to be clarified, or something need to be confessed, or something need to be owned, or loved, or forgiven.
So the same principle applies true when you are trying to fight fair. When the feelings are hitting, it could be time to follow that threat, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings there. Or obviously you are really mad at me right now. Can we talk about that? And some times if you have a process relationship where you can process you just follow it and resolve it and get back on track. Some times you don’t have a process relationship, where the person just refuses to process then you jus go "look, can we take a time out? I don’t want to make things worse." But you are saying I am going to get back on this again. There is a high value to be persistence to say when we are both calm down, I don’t intend to hurt you, maybe we need to take a break, but we are coming back to this.
Just because some body is upset or angry, doesn’t mean the problem shouldn’t be resolved. There are certain personality types that defend against solving problem by getting upset.
Proverb 19:19 "Don’t rescue an angry man, because you will only do it again tomorrow."
So if you rescue some body every time who gets upset by saying I am not going to bring this up again. Maybe it need to be brought it up again, maybe they should get mad because they are doing something that is bad, or hurtful or doesn’t do them any good.
Be the person that says, "Obviously we can’t make any plans, or changes right now. You are really upset and so am I. But I am going to let you know that this is not going away. I want to come back to this."
No comments:
Post a Comment